There are incidents in our life where we have to disclose some news or have to say something to people close to us…known to us where we are aware that it may hurt them. For Example read the following:
1) You have to tell your sub-ordinate that he is sacked or he has to resign. 2) All in your team got increments and promotions, accounting except two people...disclose this news to them. 3) You father is serious and he is in hospital...sharing this news with your sibling. 4) Your daughter has appeared for "Chartered Accountant Exams" but failed...now share it with her. 5) Giving "honest" feedback to your spouses...about their looks. 6) Giving "honest" comment to your friends about their behavior and habit.
There are many such incidents. One time or another we’ve all been there. You want to tell someone how you really feel. But how do you say this difficult thing to a person you care about without damaging, or even destroying the relationship? It’s easy to say something we vpxco know will be welcomed: “I like your new suit” or “The package you were waiting for just came.” Even something potentially embarrassing -“You’ve got chili between your teeth”-is easy to say to a friend who’s going out on a date and would be horrified if you didn’t tell him. About 95% of the things we need to tell other people are easy because they’re welcome or routine or they confirm the sense that everything is OK. It’s the other five- percent that gives us trouble. optoki
Often in those cases, we back off and say nothing. But in silence, while incredibly tempting, is usually not the best option. Too often it’s not an option at all, because the other person will eventually learn the truth anyway. Better to speak up and at least have some control over how the message is conveyed. But what, exactly, should you say? We all how easy it is to say something the wrong way and have the situation blow up in our faces. That’s why certain truths are called bombshells. Deep down we all want the same thing. We want to say what needs to be said, feel good about ourselves for saying it and make good things happen newsheater when we do.
Tell the truth but meet the need
The need is what the other person is left feeling when you’ve dropped your bombshell. If you tell your boss: “The report will be ready tomorrow, as we agreed,” you haven’t created a need, you’ve fulfilled one. But if you say, “The report won’t be in till Friday. Sorry!” you’re creating an unmet need in someone very important-your boss-so you’re afraid to say it. Your answer: tell the truth but meet the need. If you do that, you convert something that’s hard to say into something you’re brave enough to say. But how do you know what the other person’s need will be? Just ask yourself what the other person is afraid of, and do or say something to help him feel less afraid. For example, you don’t have to be a genius to guess that if your fiancée hears you want to postpone the wedding, he might:
Ø Need not to be humiliated in front of friends and family;
Ø Need to feel reassured that in this case postponement doesn’t mean cancellation;
Ø Need to know what feelings prompted the postponement. (Has he done something wrong? Do you still love him?)
Classify your truth
The cleverer you are on what you want make happen as a result of telling the truth, the easier it is to decide what to say. So it’s important to know about the six categories of ‘difficult truths’. To figure it out, ask yourself: “What response from the other person would make me feel satisfied?” Here are the guidelines:
1. If you'd be satisfied to hear this person say she forgives you, the truth you want to communicate is a confession. 2. If you'd be satisfied to hear this person say she'll try to change, your truth is criticism. 3. If you'd be satisfied to hear this person say she'll try to change, your truth is a request. 4. If you'd be satisfied to hear this person say he acknowledges your feelings, your truth is simply a communication of how you feel. 5. If you'd be satisfied to hear this person say he accepts you, even with this new information, your truth is a sensitive, personal disclosure. 6. If you'd be satisfied to hear this person say she accepts what you are saying and doesn't blame you for it, your truth is a piece of bad news.
Scripts for telling
Asking to postpone the wedding could fit into any of the six categories above. In such cases, choose the response you would most like to receive, to make sure your experience of telling the truth works out the way you would like. For example, if you’re postponing the wedding because of serious second thoughts, that falls into the ‘bad news’ category. But if you’d be happy if your fiancée simple said something like, “Yes, I hear how you feel. I certainly understand. I’ve felt uncertain myself from time to time. It’s natural to feel that way,” then you’re simply communicating how you feel-and why give him a heart attack by making it sound as though you don’t love him? You can tell your truth so your fiancée knows that he only has to listen to your feelings; he doesn’t have to take any action.
Once you’ve figured out which is your truth, you can begin to evaluate the other person’s needs and figure out what to say. Let’s apply the meet-the-need principle to each type of bombshell – in the next installment.
Incidents from your life
Asking for something difficult : You’re an accountant for an ad agency. There’s an attractive, hip copywriter you want to ask out. But you’re afraid he’ll think that, being a numbers person, you’re not just his type. What’s his need in the face of truth that you’re attracted to him? You’re not sure, but you figure he’s got to be afraid of getting stuck on a long, drawn-out date with someone who doesn’t share his interests. So you ask him out for a mid-week lunch at a restaurant, he says yes. People get upset when you ask them for something because they feel trapped and powerless. You need to make sure they feel free to decline, but also free to accept because they won’t get stuck in anything.
Bringing bad news: You’re working on a project at your job. You could have told your boss sooner that you wouldn’t finish on time and given him a chance to deal with your being late, but you kept hoping you’d be able to catch up. Now it’s really late and you’re sure he’ll be furious, so you’re really afraid to tell him. You can’t meet your boss’s greatest need, which is to have the project on time. So think through the next step: When he hears the truth, what will he be afraid of? Perhaps his big fear is getting in trouble with his boss. So when you tell your bad news, make it perfectly clear that you’re willing to fall on the sword and take full blame for what happened. In general, when people hear bad news, they’re subject to hopelessness and panic. So give the other person a sense of hope, particularly about his worst fears, and clear directions for what will happen next – in this case, by assuring your boss that you’ll complete the project by a certain date. So, the more important someone is to you, the more care and thought you should put into telling this person the truth that’s in your heart.
Confessing a secret : You and another woman are partners in a business that is doing well, but you’re both stretched to the limit. A few months ago she said: “Thank God neither of us is going to get pregnant,” but now you have to tell her that you are pregnant. How can you meet her need when you tell her this secret? Start thinking about what she’ll be afraid of: being swamped and the business going under. How to meet the need: you could suggest that while you’ll keep you share of the profits, you’ll also pay for someone to temporarily take your place. And you can promise to be as available as possible until you return to work. In this way, you’re meeting her practical needs while showing that you know you can’t just go do whatever you want.
One reason people go nuts when you confess a guilty secret is that they feel betrayed. They need to know that you understand what your betrayal means, and one way to do that is to offer to pay some substantial price that not only balances things between you but convinces them that you know what you’ve done.
Criticizing someone: Your mother constantly criticizes you and you’re sick of it. You want to tell her that, but we all know how mothers are. She might say: “Fine, I won’t ever say anything.” Or “For all the times I bite my tongue, this is what I get.” What you want is for your mother to simply hear the criticism and accept it. What need does your mother have that you can meet? If you criticize your mom, she may feel you don’t want her in your life at all. In general, when you criticize someone you’re encouraging them to change- but at the same time you should anticipate their fear that if they don’t change, they’ll lose you. In this case, you can meet that need by assuring your mother that no matter what happens, you’ll still value her opinions and her presence in your life.
Disclosing sensitive information: How do you tell someone you’re dating that you have a chronic but not life-threatening medical condition? What does the other person need? You decide that the person will be afraid of being stuck with a sick partner and also afraid of the unknown. Instead of minimizing your condition, you give as much definite information as possible, letting her know how likely it is that you’ll be able to lead a full healthy life, as well as acknowledging the risks. And you discover that your revelation is accepted with no problem. In general, when you disclose sensitive personal information, the other person is thrown because she doesn’t know what this means for her. So you need to spell out how the thing you revealed will affect her.
Sharing charged feelings: Sometimes the truth we want to reveal is how we feel about something or someone, but we suspect that the other person will not welcome our feelings, or the conversation will shake up his sense that everything is OK. But you can’t just keep quiet. You’re sick of not having any money, for example. You and your wife both work, and you’re doing the best you can. But with a baby and a mortgage, you’re on the edge. You just want your wife to know how you feel. But you don’t want her to feel guilty or depressed or annoyed with you. What does she need so you can tell her the truth? You realize she’ll probably be afraid that you’re sorry you married her. Make sure she knows that one reason you love her is that she allows you to be honest when there are problems. In general, the need is to reassure the other person in whatever way possible that you do think well of them and their world is going to keep spinning as before.